Random things

Wow, just had a great, awesome, stupendous etc. encounter with Him @ choir practice today. It's not often that I can sense Him touching me when i was praying. Being drunk in the Spirit is such a great feeling that only believers can fully enjoy. Was finally feeling recharged after what happened last week to me. Doubt can be a killer of people, and I literally was doubting the foundation of my beliefs.

Being close to people can also create what people can cognitive dissonance*; where one try to act the best to fit in to other people's image of who you are in society. I'm also one of those out there, where I have to "find" my place in what people think they see in me. So tiring sometimes; yet; I feel that to maintain this level of relationship is so important to me that I just go into my role as who they percieve. Before being saved, I have built a "wall" so high around me that no one, not even myself can see who I really am. Even till now, I'm certain that this "wall" still exist, just that it's no longer so high anymore. Relationship with people helps me remove the bricks one by one from top down, but the lower I go, the harder it is to remove, as that is where the foundations are the strongest and firmest. I've yet to meet the person, guy or girl, who can breakthrough this wall of mine, with whom I can really share my deepest, most intimate thoughts and dreams. When i do meet that person though, can I really still share what with him/her about things? The concept frightens me as I have not really learnt what it means to be dependant on a single soulmate.

Have you ever wondered why do we exist? The fundamental question of "Who am I" has been echoing in my head for a while. Surely we all have dreams and visions of what we aim to achieve, yet sometimes it seems so far away and unreachable at times, it can get so discouraging. Ploughing through life is with a weight on your back can also make things unworkable without help, divine or natural. Sometimes I think I worry too much, for things out of my control, but am I so apathetic on what's happening around the world that I really am not concerned?

Ahhhh.... I really feel the need to just have solitude. Not with anyone around me, just me and nature and God. To just be alone, uncontactable, without issues, worries, burdens and other things that the "modern" world is facing. For one as young (relatively) as I am, I sometimes feel so downright weary over things. I know I need a change of environment, to fully enjoy my life as it can be lived. And Singapore is so small, I virtually travelled most of the places. Oh well, maybe an ocean cruise one day might do the trick ;)

Phrase of the day:

*cognitive dissonance
–noun Psychology.
anxiety that results from simultaneously holding contradictory or otherwise incompatible attitudes, beliefs, or the like, as when one likes a person but disapproves strongly of one of his or her habits.