Hardest Things to Say (Part 1 of 3)

Something has been in my mind lately... Of all the words that I can say to others, why are there some words more difficult to say than others? If one thinks about it, it usually have to do with personal things. Well, in case you are wondering which 3 words I mean, it's actually "I'm sorry", "I love you" and "Thank you". I'll focus more on "Thank you" for this post.

Why do people find it difficult to say "Thank you"? Is it due to the fact that many people expects to be served? Or is it due to the mindset that since they done it for me, it's not necessary to actually verbally acknowledge the fact for whatever was done. I believe it's more of the first mindset. This can be contributed to what I call the IMM (I-Me-Myself) mindset. This kind of self-centeredness is dangerous to anyone. It will create what will eventually lead to apathy*.

However, when someone have the 2nd mindset, I feel that this means that the person has taken the other person for granted. Imagine a scenario in a restuarant.

Waiter:"Can I help you Sir?"
Man:"I would like a glass of water to start with."
Waiter:"Certainly. Please wait for a while."
After bringing the water;
Waiter:"Here you go, Sir."
Man:"......" (goes on with his own business)

It's basic courtesy to reply back to this with a "Thanks", yet I failed to observe this in many people around me; and I myself also am guilty of this. Yet when people fail to acknowledge what I've done, I do not feel happy about that. I guess to change those people around me, I must be the 1st to change myself. Only then can I influence those around me to be a more caring individual for the society.

Words for the post:
*apathy: absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.

Deliverance

Word of warning: This post will be very religious in nature, so for those not of the Christian faith, try not to take things too personally

Well, just had a great time at choir practice earlier, or should I say choir deliverance session. 2nd week in a row where Belle, being led in the Spirit, just started to minister to all of us again. This time the anoiting is different, as it was more on driving out the different "demons" from those who wants to be delivered. The Spirit moves and at least 10 people were delivered from their personal demons.

I admit it upfront that I'm one of those who got some "demons" cast out from. The spirit of self-doubt, which had been haunting me since ages back was expelled. Woo-hoo! I really have to thank Wei Ye for praying over me; I really consider him to be one of my best choir friends; supporting me through all my difficulties, even though I never tell him much, he still can sense it. God really gifted him with the Spirit of discernment :).

After being set free of those personal demons, I finally feel so much weight really have left my shoulders. It's not easy to admit that you need someone to pray for deliverance, but when one takes the step of faith, it would be much better than those who willingly cling on to it. After this session, I'm now looking forward for Pst Mike Connell to come again to Singapore, where we'll see even a greater work of God in the place.

"With man this is not possible, but with God, all things are possible."

Dreams & Visions

Most of us have dreams in our lives. Not those kinds that you aim to be one day, but those that you get when you are asleep. When we rest, we sometimes can "see" things which some people claims to be the desires of your heart, while others claim they are just your imagination. So what does it really mean to dream? Does it really mean nothing? Or is there a underlying meaning to it.

When I think back to my childhood days, i realised that I've been dreaming precognition* dreams and it used to be a hidden secret for myself when I see events that happens as I've dreamt it. Some small stuff like talking to my friends on a certain subject. You get the sense of deja vu**, if you know what I mean.

But being in the Lord has really changed my perspective on this. Hard to imagine that He has been with me for so long, even though I've started going to church regularly for a few years back. Has He always been with me since I was born? I know not.

Why do I bring this up? It's because lately I've been such dreams again. 3 seperate dreams on the same night. One regarding relationship, one which I no longer can remember and the last one on the Lee Ah Moi home which I did volunteer work last week. The 1st dream I hope it will happen, the last one not at all. Still everything that is done is by His will and not mine.

Words for the Post
*precognition - knowledge of a future event or situation, esp. through extrasensory means
**deja vu - An impression of having seen or experienced something before

Random things

Wow, just had a great, awesome, stupendous etc. encounter with Him @ choir practice today. It's not often that I can sense Him touching me when i was praying. Being drunk in the Spirit is such a great feeling that only believers can fully enjoy. Was finally feeling recharged after what happened last week to me. Doubt can be a killer of people, and I literally was doubting the foundation of my beliefs.

Being close to people can also create what people can cognitive dissonance*; where one try to act the best to fit in to other people's image of who you are in society. I'm also one of those out there, where I have to "find" my place in what people think they see in me. So tiring sometimes; yet; I feel that to maintain this level of relationship is so important to me that I just go into my role as who they percieve. Before being saved, I have built a "wall" so high around me that no one, not even myself can see who I really am. Even till now, I'm certain that this "wall" still exist, just that it's no longer so high anymore. Relationship with people helps me remove the bricks one by one from top down, but the lower I go, the harder it is to remove, as that is where the foundations are the strongest and firmest. I've yet to meet the person, guy or girl, who can breakthrough this wall of mine, with whom I can really share my deepest, most intimate thoughts and dreams. When i do meet that person though, can I really still share what with him/her about things? The concept frightens me as I have not really learnt what it means to be dependant on a single soulmate.

Have you ever wondered why do we exist? The fundamental question of "Who am I" has been echoing in my head for a while. Surely we all have dreams and visions of what we aim to achieve, yet sometimes it seems so far away and unreachable at times, it can get so discouraging. Ploughing through life is with a weight on your back can also make things unworkable without help, divine or natural. Sometimes I think I worry too much, for things out of my control, but am I so apathetic on what's happening around the world that I really am not concerned?

Ahhhh.... I really feel the need to just have solitude. Not with anyone around me, just me and nature and God. To just be alone, uncontactable, without issues, worries, burdens and other things that the "modern" world is facing. For one as young (relatively) as I am, I sometimes feel so downright weary over things. I know I need a change of environment, to fully enjoy my life as it can be lived. And Singapore is so small, I virtually travelled most of the places. Oh well, maybe an ocean cruise one day might do the trick ;)

Phrase of the day:

*cognitive dissonance
–noun Psychology.
anxiety that results from simultaneously holding contradictory or otherwise incompatible attitudes, beliefs, or the like, as when one likes a person but disapproves strongly of one of his or her habits.

Uneasy Feeling

Well, something happened today that made me feel somehow bad, and i don't really know why can it be like that...

I was at outside today when I saw a group of schoolboys and they were rough-housing out there. It wasn't so bad until i heard them say that they were stealing from a store and were going to do it again. So I just went to tell the manager of the store about what I heard and just walked off. But somehow i felt guilt for telling on them...

Preventing someone from doing wrong things is a good thing in many people life, but yet having this sense of guilt when you are saying it makes you wonder why, does it mean that I agree with what they are doing, or is it that I've become apathetic to the things around me... Well, whatever the case, this is one area which i need to change on. Being bold in the face of adversity.

Update

Well, things haven't really proceeded as I planned for this blog yet, still need time to make it how i like it to be :p. Studying for exams don't really help at all

1st time here

Hello, for those interested in my life, well, i finally decided to start blogging for the sake of it ;)